Quote Category

Someone called all the newspapers in New York and told them I’d died. I’ve been told by almost everyone it was an ex-wife – I’ve had a few so it’s hard to pinpoint which one – but who knows for sure?

There are two things that are more difficult than making an after-dinner speech: climbing a wall which is leaning toward you and kissing a girl who is leaning away from you.

I thought I would dress in baggy pants, big shoes, a cane and a derby hat. everything a contradiction: the pants baggy, the coat tight, the hat small and the shoes large.

I would probably be a teacher if I weren’t a comedian.