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I welcome him like I welcome cold sores. He’s from England, he’s angry and he’s got Mad Power Disease.

Do you mind if I sit back a little? Because your breath is very bad.

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

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I’m not a nerd, don’t plan to be a nerd and read books – which I can’t do at all.

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The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.

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A difference of taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

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When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I’m sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.

Humor

If I traveled to the end of the rainbow as Dame Fortune did intend, Murphy would be there to tell me the pot’s at the other end.

Humor

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

Humor

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