Quote Category

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.

Better belly burst than good liquor be lost.

When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front row seat.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.

Humor

I’m the most recognized and loved man that ever lived cuz there weren’t no satellites when Jesus and Moses were around, so people far away in the villages didn’t know about them.

Humor

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

Humor

I’m fat, but I’m thin inside… there’s a thin man inside every fat man.

Humor

I have an attention span that’s as long as it has to be.

Humor

I’m so fast that last night I turned off the light switch in my hotel room and was in bed before the room was dark.

Humor

I did work in a strip club, but I didn’t strip. I danced, and I became very popular.

Humor