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Humor

The best things in life are silly.

Humor

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

Humor

All the learnin’ my father paid for was a bit o’ birch at one end and an alphabet at the other.

Humor

Being slightly paranoid is like being slightly pregnant – it tends to get worse.

Humor

God is a comedian, playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

Humor

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.

Humor

When you have no basis for an argument, abuse the plaintiff.

Humor

Every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

Humor

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

Humor

There are men so philosophical that they can see humor in their own toothaches. But there has never lived a man so philosophical that he could see the toothache in his own humor.

Humor

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