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Man – a creature made at the end of the week’s work when God was tired.

I try and take lots of vitamins and I don’t drink. I do smoke, though, I’d be insufferable if I didn’t smoke, you’d have to push me off a balcony I’d be so boring.

Humor

Good advice is always certain to be ignored, but that’s no reason not to give it.

Humor

I respectfully decline the invitation to join your hallucination.

Humor

‘Twas drink made me fall in love, And love made me run into debt, And though I have struggled and struggled and strove, I cannot get out of them yet.

Humor

I don’t look like someone who leans on a mantelpiece with a cocktail in my hand, you know.

Humor

If you wish to forget anything on the spot, make a note that this thing is to be remembered.

Humor

Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever.

Humor

But we need to quit taxing people upon death. No taxation without respiration.

Humor

Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law.

Humor

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