Quote Category

That is why, no matter how desperate the predicament is, I am always very much in earnest about clutching my cane, straightening my derby hat and fixing my tie, even though I have just landed on my head.

England and America are two countries separated by the same language.

I sometimes think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability.

Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long-shot.

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, “Why god? Why me?” and the thundering voice of God answered, “There’s just something about you that pisses me off.”

It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.

The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.

Morality is the theory that every human act must be either right or wrong, and that 99 % of them are wrong.

We only have one agenda, which is to make ’em laugh their pants off. Unless they are girls, of course, when it is to make them laugh their bras off so we can get a quick look.

From the stage I’ve seen people of all ages absolutely roaring at really good toilet humour.