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Every time you walk down the street people are screaming, ‘You’re fired!’

The Exorcist doesn’t get me, but The Omen does.

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

We must respect the other fellow’s religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.

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I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.

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Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

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Better sleep with a sober cannibal than a drunken Christian.

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I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don’t have as many people who believe it.

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I am prepared to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

humor

Silence is golden when you can’t think of a good answer.

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