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humor

I’m fat, but I’m thin inside… there’s a thin man inside every fat man.

humor

I have an attention span that’s as long as it has to be.

humor

I’m so fast that last night I turned off the light switch in my hotel room and was in bed before the room was dark.

humor

I did work in a strip club, but I didn’t strip. I danced, and I became very popular.

humor

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

humor

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

humor

I actually was class clown, but I don’t know how that happened because I’ve never been considered an outwardly funny person-as the people in this room will attest.

humor

Not only do I not know what’s going on, I wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did.

humor

In married life three is company and two none.

humor

I feel sorry for the man who marries you… because everyone thinks you’re sweet and you’re not.

humor

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