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Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

There are men so philosophical that they can see humor in their own toothaches. But there has never lived a man so philosophical that he could see the toothache in his own humor.

humor

I have hardly ever known a mathematician who was capable of reasoning.

humor

Men are happy to be laughed at for their humor, but not for their folly.

humor

God may be subtle, but he isn’t plain mean.

humor

If my critics saw me walking over the Thames they would say it was because I couldn’t swim.

humor

I can’t record in the morning because I sound like Barry White.

humor

Science is a wonderful thing if one does not have to earn one’s living at it.

humor

I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell – you see, I have friends in both places.

humor

American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.

humor

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