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At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

I’ve always joked about Joe Montana not appreciating his Super Bowls nearly as much as I do because he never lost one. We lost three before we got one.

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What’s the point? My face, shall we say, looks lived in.

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I just found out that I’m one inch taller than I thought.

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Let’s face it, a nice creamy chocolate cake does a lot for a lot of people; it does for me.

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I’m a giraffe. I even walk like a giraffe with a long neck and legs. It’s a pretty dumb animal, mind you.

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I want my food dead. Not sick, not dying, dead.

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You can’t drink too many otherwise you can’t see what you’re throwing at.

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It is a curious thought, but it is only when you see people looking ridiculous that you realize just how much you love them.

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I don’t think I’ve got bad taste. I’ve got no taste.

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